my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
