I just cut my nipple shaving
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
