my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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