i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize