I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
