Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
