he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
