I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
