It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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