I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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