I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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