I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
