Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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