How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
