from now on my penis is your penis
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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