My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize