Little spoons don't ask big questions
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
