i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
