you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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