u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
