Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I take back everything I said about communal showers
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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