It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize