Betty ford says i'm here all night
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
