Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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