I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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