I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
