There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
