OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
