i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
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I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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