All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
