dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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