did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
