I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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