you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
