You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
