i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
