dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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