Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
