I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
