meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
