I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
