I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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