apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
COCAINE IS GR8
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
