I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
