my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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