there's paper in my vomit.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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