Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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