ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
