is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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