She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
