If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
