I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
vagina is talking i cant
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
