Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just made my gag reflex go away.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
