They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
