do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
did i just pee glitter
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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