booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
