the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
